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Black Widow

Hey guys..

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Very good, very formal,

However your attitude changed abit, try and type it as if your were on the fence.

Makes it sound more formal and not just someone having a cry.

 

Only part I didnt really like was,

"While they may not be major donations in the thousands of dollars (sometimes they can be), every little bit counts."

Should be something like this.

"Not all donations bring in thousands of dollars, every little bit counts."

 

But its coming along very well, much better than I first anticipated.

 

 

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Oh really? Sometimes i write things that i think sound good, but really give the opposite impression. Is there anything you could suggest to make it sound more "not having a whinge" like?

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Oh really? Sometimes i write things that i think sound good, but really give the opposite impression. Is there anything you could suggest to make it sound more "not having a whinge" like?

 

ok so you posted for me to stroke your ego? and not give opinions. *stroke stroke*

 

ok do it, im right behind ya bUDDY!

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rolleyes.gif

Fairly certain he was talking to me.

 

Try and write it as if you were a reporter,

If there's something you want to say just put,

"After speaking with some groups of the modified car scene it appears...."

Using phrases like "ruining it for the rest of us" makes it sound like your whining.

I would rephrase it to, "Which leads to a bad publicity for the whole scene."

 

Just little things like that change the whole feel of it.

 

 

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Oh really? Sometimes i write things that i think sound good, but really give the opposite impression. Is there anything you could suggest to make it sound more "not having a whinge" like?

 

ok so you posted for me to stroke your ego? and not give opinions. *stroke stroke*

 

ok do it, im right behind ya bUDDY!

um....ok? I was talking to AJ mate..you can criticise my writing as much as you like, if it's useful i'll take it on board, if not, i'll tell you to go jump :)

 

rolleyes.gif

Fairly certain he was talking to me.

 

Try and write it as if you were a reporter,

If there's something you want to say just put,

"After speaking with some groups of the modified car scene it appears...."

Using phrases like "ruining it for the rest of us" makes it sound like your whining.

I would rephrase it to, "Which leads to a bad publicity for the whole scene."

 

Just little things like that change the whole feel of it.

Ah i see...makes sense..

 

OK i'll fix it. Thanks mate

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Oh really? Sometimes i write things that i think sound good, but really give the opposite impression. Is there anything you could suggest to make it sound more "not having a whinge" like?

 

ok so you posted for me to stroke your ego? and not give opinions. *stroke stroke*

 

ok do it, im right behind ya bUDDY!

and i'm sorry mate but explain what you mean by "it is too intelligently informative for the mainstream"?? Does this mean that you think it is of a too high standard to be produced in the mainstream media due to the blabbering propaganda that is normally published?

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Oh really? Sometimes i write things that i think sound good, but really give the opposite impression. Is there anything you could suggest to make it sound more "not having a whinge" like?

 

ok so you posted for me to stroke your ego? and not give opinions. *stroke stroke*

 

ok do it, im right behind ya bUDDY!

and i'm sorry mate but explain what you mean by "it is too intelligently informative for the mainstream"?? Does this mean that you think it is of a too high standard to be produced in the mainstream media due to the blabbering propaganda that is normally published?

 

ok, it helps to quote, thought you were having a stab at me.

 

I meant that, if you are writing to get it submitted to a newspaper, know who you are talking to, as they dont care for the economy of our industry, what is good though in your draft is, "normalising the typical enthusiast/modifier."

 

Making us normal, breaking down it as a hobby, explaining that it is no less different than a common hobby (that you can think of, as i cant)

 

mentioning car clubs is good, but also address the education that is out there for enthusiast to get better at driving (mentioning courses of some sort) the theme of the article should be normalizing modders.

 

cheers.

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work for you guys???

 

These all have to be purchased from somewhere, whether it be a retail chain such as SuperCheap Auto, or a specific high performance aftermarket store such as Just Jap, all money spent assists these stores, and allows them to keep trading. Also the education that comes from these days is of infinite times more value, than the amount spent on attending the day. These days allow you to learn the limitations of your car, you can improve your reaction speeds, you can learn how to handle your car in the safest possible way. The affect this has when doing normal, everyday driving is extraordinary

 

also i've added (not entirely sure on this though):

 

Modifying cars is the same as any other hobby. Some people collect model planes, some go bird spotting, we build and modify cars. It’s who we are. In our day to day dealings though we are just the same as everyone else. We could be the polite person on the end of the phone who has helped you resolve a complaint, we could be the bank teller that has helped you with your transactions, we could be the architect that designed your house. We are all just normal people, it’s just that we enjoy something that most don’t consider “normal”

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isnt it kind of f**ked up that most people don't consider modifying cars a 'normal' hobby?

lol

it's pretty normal to me

 

eh.. you're sorta making that second part sound like we're some alien creatures trying to intergrate into the community. maybe consider changing the context. (2 late and tired to offer more support atm sry lol)

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get on it! behind you 100% of the way mate :) i'm looking to make an impact myself pretty soon :)

 

i know a some of us in QLD make it to the Bracehearts cruise every year :)

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What are you looking to do pyro? And what is the Bracehearts cruise?

 

And LOL @ Shark, when i read it again, it did sound like that lol..but i guess i'm trying to emphasise that we're normal everday people, we're not idiots that try and do stupid sh*t on the roads. We have lives, we work, we have families, we have feelings et etc..

 

 

if someone can think of a way to reword it (it's too early for me to think) let me know :D

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this is what i've cocked up at 9am lol DAY OFF f**k YEAH! (dont know why im up so early either)

it's reworded to how I would've written what you're trying to say.

just let me know what you think. I guess I don't know the 'exact' idea you have in mind, or the way you wanna write it. im just going on the last paragraph

 

 

These all have to be purchased from somewhere, whether it be a retail chain such as SuperCheap Auto, or a specific high performance aftermarket store such as Just Jap, all money spent assists these stores, and allows them to keep trading. Also the education that comes from these days is of infinite times more value, than the amount spent on attending the day. These days allow you to learn the limitations of your car, you can improve your reaction speeds, you can learn how to handle your car in the safest possible way. The affect this has when doing normal, everyday driving is extraordinary

did you miss something in there? you talk about the 'day' .. yet not what that 'day' actually is lol (ie: defensive driving course?)

- maybe aso talk about how the money we spend at these stores provides huge waves of cashflow into the economy (which is good for EVERYONE) rather than how our money is given to these stores to keep THEM still trading.

 

Modifying cars is the same as any other hobby. Some people go mountain biking, some go bird spotting, others ride motorbikes. It's human nature to find something of interest, and persue it. So why should people who like to build and modify cars be looked at differently (maybe change to 'looked down upon') because of the hobby they persue?

 

We are just the same as everyone else. We could be the polite person on the end of the phone who has helped you resolve a complaint, we could be the bank teller that has helped you with your transactions, we could be the architect that designed your house. We are 'ENTHUSIESTS' .. we share a common interest and enjoy building something that gives us as much self satisfaction as the next person who has an interest in model planes.

 

 

other points you may want to include in your article;

- the fact hot rods are MORE ILLEGAL (ie; i've seen some with only cms of clearence and road registered) which is alot more dangerous, yet they don't get targeted because the generalisation is 'young hoons' with imports/modified vehicles are dangerous.

(and also the fact a hot rod is considered a 'hot rod' .. NOT a modified vehicle it seems)

 

- maybe consider rephrasing your point on how most modified car owners love driving, and want to better their skills to make them safer. and how modified car owners are actually alot safer drivers on the road because they are more aware of themselves and their vehicles.

 

the unfortunate thing is you cant media bash, because instantly they wont accept it which SUCKS lol. like .. all these points i would put in about 'how the media only shows enthusisests in a bad light' etc .. is all so true, yet you cant use any of it because you're trying to get a story published by the very people that cause these views lol :rolleyes:

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this is what i've cocked up at 9am lol DAY OFF f**k YEAH! (dont know why im up so early either)

it's reworded to how I would've written what you're trying to say.

just let me know what you think. I guess I don't know the 'exact' idea you have in mind, or the way you wanna write it. im just going on the last paragraph

 

 

These all have to be purchased from somewhere, whether it be a retail chain such as SuperCheap Auto, or a specific high performance aftermarket store such as Just Jap, all money spent assists these stores, and allows them to keep trading. Also the education that comes from these days is of infinite times more value, than the amount spent on attending the day. These days allow you to learn the limitations of your car, you can improve your reaction speeds, you can learn how to handle your car in the safest possible way. The affect this has when doing normal, everyday driving is extraordinary

did you miss something in there? you talk about the 'day' .. yet not what that 'day' actually is lol (ie: defensive driving course?)

- maybe aso talk about how the money we spend at these stores provides huge waves of cashflow into the economy (which is good for EVERYONE) rather than how our money is given to these stores to keep THEM still trading.

 

Modifying cars is the same as any other hobby. Some people go mountain biking, some go bird spotting, others ride motorbikes. It's human nature to find something of interest, and persue it. So why should people who like to build and modify cars be looked at differently (maybe change to 'looked down upon') because of the hobby they persue?

 

We are just the same as everyone else. We could be the polite person on the end of the phone who has helped you resolve a complaint, we could be the bank teller that has helped you with your transactions, we could be the architect that designed your house. We are 'ENTHUSIESTS' .. we share a common interest and enjoy building something that gives us as much self satisfaction as the next person who has an interest in model planes.

 

 

other points you may want to include in your article;

- the fact hot rods are MORE ILLEGAL (ie; i've seen some with only cms of clearence and road registered) which is alot more dangerous, yet they don't get targeted because the generalisation is 'young hoons' with imports/modified vehicles are dangerous.

(and also the fact a hot rod is considered a 'hot rod' .. NOT a modified vehicle it seems)

 

- maybe consider rephrasing your point on how most modified car owners love driving, and want to better their skills to make them safer. and how modified car owners are actually alot safer drivers on the road because they are more aware of themselves and their vehicles.

 

the unfortunate thing is you cant media bash, because instantly they wont accept it which SUCKS lol. like .. all these points i would put in about 'how the media only shows enthusisests in a bad light' etc .. is all so true, yet you cant use any of it because you're trying to get a story published by the very people that cause these views lol :rolleyes:

Thanks Shark. That's greatly appreciated. In fact i have included everything you suggested so thankyou!

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Ok, this is the new edited article.

 

I hope i didn't miss anything:

 

It’s no secret to society that owners of modified cars are seen in a dim light. It’s no secret that there are modified car owners out there who do provoke this view, and deserve to be seen in this light. However, the majority of modified car owners are just normal, everyday people, who just pursue a hobby they love.

 

I do agree with society that there are some bad apples among our community that don’t driving responsibly, or safely on our roads, and perform illegal tasks such as street racing or drifting on our public roads, and this is what is made visible to the world, and in turn creates bad publicity for the entire modified car world. However, there is a side of the modified car scene that is not commonly shown. Most Hot Rods are highly modified, including modifications to the chassis, and general frame the vehicle, which can sometimes affect the safety aspects of the vehicle, however the feeling that these vehicles provoke is one of euphoria (as most “Hot Rods” are vintage vehicles). Most modified vehicles (mainly focusing on Japanese import vehicles) are modified in a way that improves handling, braking, and general performance of the vehicle, yet due to the generalization of “young hoons” are frowned upon.

 

There are many dedicated car clubs who continually hold community events to help raise money for certain charities. In 2009 alone, there have been multiple charities donated too, some of which include the Jane McGrath Foundation, The Salvation Army etc. While they every donation may not bring in thousands of dollars, every little bit counts, and everyone is always willing to try and raise as much money as possible for the charities being supported. There are also annual events which take people take part in, whether it is to support a certain cause such as the Bracehearts event in Queensland, or if its held in memory of those who are unfortunately no longer with us, and support the cause of Youth Suicide, such as the Ben Simpson Memorial Cruise held in South Australia.

 

The amount of revenue that is produced from keen motorsport enthusiasts for state governments is phenomenal. There is a high amount of Club/Forum affiliated track days that are constantly being organized, with the days nearly always being booked out, obviously raising funds for motorsport tracks, and state governments. For enthusiasts to be able to attend these track days (whether they are circuit days, or drift days) – spare parts are needed. These include things like tyres; spare engine parts, all engine fluids. These all have to be purchased from somewhere, whether it be a retail chain such as SuperCheap Auto, or a specific high performance aftermarket store such as Just Jap, all money spent assists these stores, and provides huge waves of cash flow into the economy. Also the education that comes from things such as Defensive driving days is of infinite times more value, than the amount spent on attending the day. These days allow you to learn the limitations of your car, you can improve your reaction speeds, and you can learn how to handle your car in the safest possible way. The affect this has when doing normal, everyday driving is extraordinary. Most modified car owners love driving, and love finding ways to better their skills and make them safer drivers. Days such as defensive driver days, drift days, and even track days allow the drivers to learn the limitations of their vehicle, and know what both themselves, and the vehicle are capable of.

 

Modifying cars is the same as any other hobby. Some people go mountain biking, some go bird spotting, others ride motorbikes. It's human nature to find something of interest, and pursue it. So why should people who like to build and modify cars be looked at differently because of the hobby they pursue.

We are just the same as everyone else. We could be the polite person on the end of the phone who has helped you resolve a complaint, we could be the bank teller that has helped you with your transactions, we could be the architect that designed your house. We are ‘ENTHUSIASTS’. We share a common interest and enjoy building something that gives us as much self-satisfaction as the next person who has an interest in model planes

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Ok so i've had this looked at by an editor of a well known car mag and have the official copy now.

 

I don't think i'll add much else to what i had, maybe just a finalisation paragraph summarising the article.

 

But who do you guys think i should aim this at?

 

My thoughts are:

Motoring sections for:

Daily Telegraph, Sydney Morning Herald, Sunday Telegraph

Motor?

Wheels?

 

Thought about PI (HPI)/Fast Fours etc, however thought i'd be "preaching to the choir" having the article in there.

 

Local paper:

Hills Shire Times

 

May approach TT/ACA, however since this is a written thing, and they're obviously visual..not sure that'd be the right path to follow (unless of course it's an interview)

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hey man pretty decent write up.

 

just one grammatical error. "While they every donation may not bring in thousands of dollars"

 

i think motor or wheels would run this article but youd want to get it out to the wider community also, ie papers.

 

also that last paragraph is very strong. "We are just the same as everyone else. We could be the polite person on the end of the phone who has helped you resolve a complaint, we could be the bank teller that has helped you with your transactions, we could be the architect that designed your house."

 

 

good work mang.

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Thanks zohair82.

 

Not quite sure how to end it.

 

i'm not sure whether i leave it as that, or add something to summarise

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Tell you what, all your tips are really useful. Anyone who wants to master article writing skills can take some notes of your comments. I want to add my two cents. Edusson is an article writing service which can help you when you can't do it on your own. Even given all these recommendations. Try, improve, and you ultimately will do a great job.

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