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A31Cefiro

Quick / Short joke thread

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what do you call a Lebo who has an abortion???

 

crime stoppers!

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a guy driving down the road sees a cop car behind him, so he starts to speed up. the cop sees this and puts on his flashing lights to pull him over. Seeing this, the guy speeds up even more. The cop then puts on his siren. The guy goes even faster trying to get away, so the cop pit moves him off the road.

 

The cop walks up to the driver and says did you see me pull in behind you??? yes the guy replies...did you see me put the lights on??? yes......did you hear my siren??? yes......

 

 

so why the f**k didn't you pull over?? you weren't doing anything wrong in the first place!!!

 

 

well, says the guy, you see my wife ran off with a copper.....i thought you were trying to give her back....

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a poof goes into the bathroom where he sees his boyfriend in the bath holding a piece of shit

 

What are you doing??? asks the fag

 

his boyfriend replies, teaching the baby to swim!!

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what do you call a person who lights their farts??

 

an arseonist!

Edited by DragonS13

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how many elephants can you fit in a mini??

 

5. Two in the front, two in the back and one in the trunk!

 

 

how do you know if an elephants been in your fridge??

 

there's a set of footprints in the butter.

 

 

how do you know if two elephants have been in your fridge??

 

there's two sets of footprints in the butter.

 

 

how do you know if three elephants have been in your fridge??

 

there's three sets of footprints in the butter.

 

 

how do you know if four elephants have been in your fridge??

 

there's four sets of footprints in the butter.

 

 

how do you know if five elephants have been in your fridge??

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

there's a mini parked out the front!

:P

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a short joke...

 

 

 

rolled cambers!!!

 

 

 

LOL

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What's the difference between a slut and a washing machine.......

 

A washing machine doesn't spit your load out.

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What's slimy cold long and smells like pork?

 

Kermit the frogs finger

 

 

 

what is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?

 

Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12

 

 

 

A New Zealander walking along the road with a sheep under each arm.

He meets another New Zealander who says "you sheerin' mate?" and the first guy replies "naw, they're all mine"

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My wife left because she thinks I have an obsession with electricity.

 

I was like, "Watt, I'm shocked.... it hertz me when you say stuff like that. Currently I've not been myself I admit, but it would help if you had some positive input in my life instead of being negative. But none of that matters any more, I'm going ohm."

 

 

 

retort:

 

Did she burn you out or was it that she didn't turn you on any more and she just went flat on you when she ran out of juice.. You know she used to light up your life.

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A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."

 

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

 

He turned to his wife: "Why the f**k are there six feet in this bed? There should only be four. What's going on?"

 

"Bullshit," said the wife, "you're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."

 

The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. Damn, you're right.

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Me and my girlfriend are in a long distance relationship...

 

Well, I call it long distance. The judge called it a "Restraining Order

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Stop it with all these African Famine jokes they've got enough on their plates already...wait...Never mind.

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You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom

 

 

 

 

My wife and I have a give and take relationship.

I give the beatings, she takes them.

 

 

Our little Hamster is such a laugh!!

He just stays in there on that circle thing going round and round and round for ages until;

*DING*

Then I take him out of the Microwave.

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Avoidable: what a bullfighter tries to do.

 

 

Isn't it so weird when you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?

Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating.

 

 

 

I got in big trouble at school for being in possession of cocaine.

But even bigger trouble after I got confused about my punishment of 100 lines.

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How is knocking up your girlfriend like locking your keys in your car?

The problem goes away with the aid of a coathangar.

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There was an old woman in front of me at the checkout in woolworths today.

 

She said, "I've dropped my purse and I can't bend down to pick it up."

 

I said, "In that case, you won't mind me moving in front of you, while you keep trying."

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It's never polite to lean over to the next table and ask, "Are you finished with that?" Especially to a guy breaking up with his girlfriend.

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She was lying there. Dripping wet. Jerking about wildly and moaning. I pressed my lips up against hers as I pressed down on her chest. She squeezed my leg so hard her nails left marks. I knew she didn't have much longer left. Then I heard her scream and her eyes rolled back into her head. And then it was over.

 

I'm a f**king useless lifeguard.

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A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any old clothing.

I said yes, but asked what I would get in return. She said I could play with her breasts.

I thought, that’s fair, tit for tat.

 

 

I’m in trouble with the wife. We were in bed naked and she asked what I would like to do most with her body.

Apparently “Identify it” wasn’t the right answer.

 

 

 

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough….once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought…Sod it….soldier on.

 

 

Just said to the missus…”Hey fat gut..what do you want for Valentines Day”

She said “Don’t get f*cking lippy”

I said “Mascara it is then!”

 

 

I woke up this morning at 8 and sensed something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!

I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered Macca's serve breakfast until 11.30.

 

 

 

An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Norwegian, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Brazilian, a Canadian, an Argentinian, a Korean and a Swiss man walked into a pub.

The bouncer says “Sorry.. I can’t let you in without a Thai”.

 

 

 

Paddy got a letter in the post this morning. It landed on the floor, says on the envelope DO NOT BEND. He’s still wondering how to pick it up!

 

 

 

A man and wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife sees a baby skunk lying at the side of the road. She asked her husband to stop the car and got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death.Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "OK., Get in the car with it."

Where shall I put it to get it warm?" She asks.

"Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm there"

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its little nose."

The man is not expected to recover.

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got this from my mate

 

 

 

*i want to create a fb account and name it "no-one". so i can like peoples status's and it will say 'no-one likes this*

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My mate asked me ''When you were expecting your first kid, what did you hope it would be?''

''Mine'' I said.

 

 

The local school has stopped parents from taking video and photos of children during school plays.

I'm alright though because I'm not a parent.

 

I've just opened a new restaurant called Revenge

All the dishes are served cold.

 

 

I've always stood up for black people.

It's not worth getting stabbed over a seat.

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What do rape victims and windscreen wipers have in common?

 

When they're dry, they really f**king screech.

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I didn't know this at the time but, when I was a teenager, my big sister used to stash cocaine in her used underwear basket.

So technically, my drug addiction is her fault.

 

 

 

 

I have a friend who's a Jehovah's Witness...

He got mad at me the other day because he tried to tell me a knock-knock joke and I refused to answer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was lying bed with my girlfriend the other night and was quite excited to finally hear her say 'I love you'.

Their first words are always the cutest.

 

 

 

 

In school, we had an assembly on bullying. The teacher spoke about a young gay boy, being bullied because of his sexuality.

 

She spoke in length about his life, and the verbal abuse he suffers. She then asked a question, 'How do you think he takes it?'

 

Apparently, 'Up the arse!' wasn't a suitable answer.

 

 

 

 

 

My wife came home with a vibrator, started waving it about and screamed, "I don't need you now! I don't need you now!"

Guess who had to put the batteries in!

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I walked into work and said to my boss, "Sorry I'm a few minutes late, my sister was raped this morning."

"Is she alright?" he asked.

I said, "Yeah, not bad at all."

 

 

 

 

After a terrible 6 year battle with cancer, my wife lay on her deathbed, unfortunately I could not make out her last words.

You don't get a very good signal in the Caribbean and the jet ski was a little loud.

 

 

 

As a firm believer in reincarnation, I want the words 'to be continued' inscribed on my tombstone.

 

 

 

 

A young lad knocked on the door last night and said "Trick or Treat?"

I said "What have you come as?"

He said "A werewolf."

I said "But you haven't got a costume on, you're just in normal clothes"

He said "Well it's not a full moon yet is it, *richard cranium*?"

 

*milkshake*

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How many gingers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

 

None, gingers don't know how to screw anything.

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why do abo's have 1 nostril bigger than the other one?

 

1 is for regular and the other for unleaded

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Whenever I feel my life is shit, I remind myself of the billions across the globe who have it worse than me.

 

Then I have a good laugh at their expense, and feel a lot better again.

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If a branch falls in the forrest and lands on a women then why is their a forrest in the kitchen?

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