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Quick / Short joke thread

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I went to a restaurant the other day and I noticed that my waitress had a black eye, I made sure I spoke loud and clear when ordering my food because she obviously has trouble listening.

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I've been made president of the Erection Club.


I think it's because I'm the longest standing member.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first says, "I'll have a beer"

The second says, "I'll have one half of a beer"

The third says, "I'll have one fourth of a beer"

The bartender pulls out two bottles and says, "f**k you guys"




What takes up 18 parking spaces?

9 Women drivers.






One sunny day, a priest and a rabbi are walking in the park. They pass a lake, and the priest says "It's nice and sunny, why not go for a swim? We're both men of God, so we shouldn't be ashamed of our nudity."


The rabbi agrees, so they strip and dive in. After a while, they decide to get out again, but just as they stroll across the grass to their clothes, a group of school children passes by, including several ones from both the priest's and the rabbi's congregation. Quickly, the priest covers his genitals with his hands. The rabbi, however, covers his face.


Out of the corner of his mouth, the priest mumbles "Why are you covering your face, brother?"


The rabbi replies "Because the children in my community recognise my face, not my penis."

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Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.

I'm easily lead.




I'm a science teacher and once I asked one of my lazy students if he knew the chemical symbol for sodium. He replied, 'Na'.

Lucky bastard.




Two scientists walk into a bar, and decide to have a drinking contest.

The first walks up to the barmaid and says, "I'll have a glass of H2O, please."

The second scientist says, "I'll have a glass of H2O, too."

Needless to say, the first scientist won.




My female science teacher was gloating about how scientists have discovered a way to make stem-cells develop into working semen.

She was telling our class that the human race no longer needed men.

I laughed at her and said;

"Okay, with no men, where the f**k are you going to get a scientist?"

Sure changed her tune. Stupid bitch.

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I was in a wrestling match and the other guy got me in a head lock and wrote his name on my forehead.

It was his signature move



I love how comfortable my girlfriend is with her body and doesn't see the need to wear a bra.

Especially being 6 and all...




Don't Be Sexist

Bitches Hate That!



Wife gets naked & asks her hubby:

"What turns you on more..my blue eyes..my pouting red lips..my lovely mane of hair..my pretty face..my perky tits..my flat stomach..my slim thighs..my nice moist little pussy.. or my sexy tight arse?"


Hubby looks her up & down and replies:

"Your f**kin sense of humour!"




I tried to send my girlfriend a picture of my cock today but my phone alerted me "Recipient may not be able to receive files this large".


That's a nice boost for my confidence, anyway.

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I didn't realise how much I missed my wife until today...

When I ran out of dishes and had to use the glass one from the microwave.



Originally, God wanted wasps to pollinate flowers but that didn't work so he resorted to Plan Bee



I was given a photography course assignment entitled, 'Hope and Despair'. It was easy.

I took a photo of the queue for lottery tickets




Facebook, saving me money on birthday cards for the past 3 years.






My Muslim neighbour knocked on my door today with a letter that the postman had delivered to his house by mistake.


Abdul, "Alright, mate, I got this and thought it was for me, sorry I opened it."


Me, "No worries pal, what is it."


Abdul, "It's your water bill, they're having your eyes out there mate it's three times as much as mine, how come it's so high?"


Me, " personal hygiene Abdul, personal hygiene."

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My 12 year old daughter recently had her friends at my house for a sleepover, and I overheard one of them calling me a "dirty old perv."


I was so shocked at the accusation that I nearly fell out of her wardrobe.






I don't understand all this fuss on the radio about using porn.

I use it and still have a completely normal sex life with my girlfriend, and it doesn't affect my attitude in work.


Kind regards,

Charlie Sheen.




My wife is like my taps .. Dripping wet 24/7 and annoys the f**k out of me

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Statistics say that 1 in 20 people live next to a pedophile, not me though. I live next door to 2 stunning 12 year olds.

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Mosquito net: $12

Fresh water supply: $500

A starving African child: Riceless!

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No woman will ever be happy because no man will ever have a chocolate penis that ejaculates money

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5 Important Qualities to have in your women;


1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.








What'd you call a guy with a condom on his nose?


f**k nose.







Two doctors are having sex. He says to her, "you must be a surgeon, you washed your hands before & after." She replies, "you must be an anesthetist, I didn't feel a f**kin thing"

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Barack Obama - The first black man that has ever had to convince the world he did do the killing.





Pippa Middleton's arse is like a JK Rowling book.

You know Harry's going to be in it.





"Doctor, I can't work out what's wrong with me!"

"You've got AIDS."

.......Somehow, the African version of House just wasn't quite as gripping.





"Americans insist Osama's burial at sea is a Muslim tradition."

5 Minutes later.

"Americans admit to confusing Muslims with Vikings"





What's large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation 3

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thats my website!


Haha thought you would pick up...


...balls back in your court though!

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LOL, as long as their posted in here everyday so i can get my daily lolz.

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The other day my friend told me that 'ginger' was an anagram for 'niger'

Who knew you could have a dyslexic, racist and anti-ginger joke all in one...?




I met a girl in a nightclub and told her 'I'm going to f**k you in my bedroom, my bathroom, my kitchen and my lounge when we get back to mine'.

She replied, 'Wow, let's go, it's good to find a man with such stamina these days'.

For some reason she didn't seem too impressed when we finally got to the caravan.




Man: Hey, wanna play 'Rape'?

Girl: No!

Man: Thats the spirit!




BBC News - Air France Rio crash : Black box recorder data 'intact'.

Great, although I doubt "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" is going to help the investigation too much.



A boy went to a pub with his mom and saw two teens having sex. he asked his mom what they were doing.


His mom replied: "They're baking a cake".

The next day, the boy went to the zoo and saw two monkeys having sex. He asked his mom what they were doing.

His mom replied: "They baking cake".

The next day, the boy told his mom : "Mummy, i know last night you and daddy were baking a cake".

Mom: "How do you know?"

Boy: "I licked the icing off the sofa".






An Irish guy is hitch-hiking along the road. A lorry pulls up and opens the door. "Is it a long way to Dublin?" asks the hitch-hiker. "No, not far" replies the driver. "Great" says the hitch-hiker and jumps in. About 2 hours later the hitch-hiker turns to the driver and says "Is it a long way to Dublin?" The driver turns to him and say "Well, now it is!"




I just saw french man crossing the motorway.

All I could think was, I haven't played frogger in age's



So a woman drives into a bar...

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How do you know if an Asian has robbed your house?




Your homework is done and your computer has been upgraded. But two hours later the asian is still trying to reverse out of your driveway.

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how many times does a baby spin in the microwave before popping???






i dunno either...im too busy masturbating.


i wasrooting this chick the other day and she turns to me and says are you a paedophile??

i said no darl....thought to my self shit thats a big word for an 8yr old.


how do you know you have a high sperm count?

your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows


whats more fun than swinging a baby on a clothesline??

swinging two... whats more fun than that???

stopping them with a shovel.


whats the difference between a truckload of cabbages and a truckload of dead babies?

u can unload the cabbages with a pitchfork.


yeah im twisted.

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I told my mate that I like to masturbate to cartoon porn.

He said, "That's quite popular now. Do you watch Hentai or the converted Disney ones?"

I said, "Err, no. Just regular episodes of Rugrats."





A lot of the women I sleep with usually smoke after sex.

But still, I have to dispose of the body somehow.





To wank? Or not to wank?

The decision is in my hands.

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Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

all the kings horses and all of his men

said f**k him his only an egg

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To try and spice up our sex lives, I suggested a bit of role play to the girlfriend.

I said, "I'll dress up as a Taliban hostage and you dress up as an American soldier."

She said, "Sounds kinky, but then what?"

I said, "You burst into the room, get on your knees and end up blowing the shit out of me."



A girl I slept with a few weeks ago texted me saying 'I'm so sorry but I'm HIV positive, I hope you're not, I'm so sorry' , to which I replied 'Ahh, no it's fine, I've been HIV positive for years'.






I asked my son, "Have you started masturbating yet?"

He looked a little embarassed and mumbled, "Yeah."

I said, "Well you will need to grip it tighter, I can't feel a thing."






My Chinese friend gets really annoyed at me when I spell his name Wrong.

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some classics in here



the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.


"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.


"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."


The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"







A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"


She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.


When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!"


This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.


When it was gone, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It's gonna start any second!"


"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"


The husband sighed. "Oh shit. It's started."








Husband and wife...




Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!

Wife - Do you want me to leave?

Husband - No! Don't even think about it.

Wife - Do you love me?

Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!

Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?

Husband - No! Why are you even asking?

Wife - Will you kiss me?

Husband - Every chance I get!

Wife - Will you hit me?

Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!

Wife - Can I trust you?

Husband - Yes.

Wife - Darling!


AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.






My teacher said, "If you think about anything long enough, it gets easier."


I said, "I don't know about that Miss. Last night I was thinking about you for a bit and it just got harder."





It's that time of the month again when I don't get any sex.


My ex-wife has the kids this weekend.

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sorry i havnt posted ina while




My boss called me into his office today.


He said, "I've heard a little rumour that you are going to be sick for the next two weeks just so you can go on your mate's stag do in Vegas."


I said, "That's correct."


He said, "Well, in that case I have no choice but to let you go."


I said, "Cheers mate, I appreciate that."








The wife was so smug, "Call me the brains of the family from now on!" she said, "I've saved a fiver filling the car across the road!"


"What did you do, flash your tits at the attendant?" I laughed.


"Ooh you men are so silly, it's easy to spot they're 10c a litre cheaper."


"Really, and on our doorstep?"


"Yes! God knows why you fill it up with diesel if unleaded's that price!"






No matter how good a woman in a porn movie is at sucking cock, when a guy is about to come over her face he uses his own hand.


Proof, that if a job's worth doing, it's worth doing yourself.









I sat there with a smile on my face as my girlfriend wrapped her hand around it and started to tug at it. An even bigger smile when she gave it a little wiggle and started moving it around. I couldn't contain myself when she started using two hands, so I eventually laughed out:


"Here, love, I'll change gear for you."






I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes and I though to myself, "Wow dogs are easily entertained..."


Then I realised, I just watched my dog chase it's tail for ten minutes...

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My wife said she was divorcing me because I am obsessed with masturbation.


I told her to go f**k herself






My wife told me that if i buy her one more stupid gift she's going to burn it.


so I bought her a candle, stupid bitch.





Some woman came to my house collecting for Ethiopian children,


I don't know why, but she didn't look impressed when I gave her a can of fly spra

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1) Tissues

2) Hand Lotion

3) 'Zoo' or 'People' magazine


The shopping outcome a man does just to make the person serving him feel awkward.

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whats the difference between a vitamin and a hormone...




































you cant hear a vitamin!

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Q; why did the lebo cross the road??

A; to bash the chicken


Q; why did 100 lebo's cross the road??

A; chicken was winning!





whats the difference between a blonde and a shopping trolley?


the trolley has a mind of its own!






what do you call two gay Irishmen??


Michael Fitspatrick and Patrick Fitsmichael!!






Timmy; Mum can i get a bike for Christmas??

Mum; Shutup Timmy, you know you're dying of cancer...






What do you call that useless piece of skin on the end of your dick??


a woman.





what do you say to a woman with two black eyes???


Nothing, you've already told her twice!!!





whats blue and floats on water??


the baby...





how do you keep an idiot in suspense??


i'll tell you later...

Edited by DragonS13

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an abo walks into a bar wearing one thong. bartender asks "lose a thong mate?" abo says "nah, found one!"

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a kiwi walks into his bedroom holding a sheep under his arm, and looks at his wife on the bed. He says "this is the pig i f**k when you have a headache". His wife frowns and says "I think you'll find that's not a pig, it's a sheep you dick"

to which he replies "I'll think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you!"

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what do you say if you wake up in the night and see your tv floating out of the room???




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