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A31Cefiro

Quick / Short joke thread

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This Indian family just moved in next door and the kids challenged me to a water fight .

 

So I'm just inside waiting for the kettle to boil

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I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.. Apparently the

Instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.'

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How do you stop a baby exploding in the microwave?

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Stab holes in it.

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One of the lab teachers at uni has the name Howard Wang so his locker says H. Wang

some one added UGE on it LOL

 

Hahaha reminds me of today at work!

Had a delivery to a guy named R. WONG

So i knocked on his door, when he opened the door, in an accent, i asked "YOU R. WONG?" (you are wrong)

He gave me a bad look. Told him i couldn't resist.

Had a laugh and gave him the goods.

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hahahaha theres some pretty good jokes in here...

 

heres some...

 

a wife one evening drew her husbands attention tothe couple next door and said, do you see that couple? how devoted they are? he kisses her every time they meet. why dont you do that? i would love to replied the husband, but i dont no her well enough.

 

wat do u call a donkey with 3 legs?

a wonkey

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A teacher goes round her class askin each of the kids wot they need at home. 1st kid: A computer.

Teacher replies "That'd be very useful".

2nd child says a car & gets a similar answer.

Finally she asks billy who answers "at my house we dont need anything." The teacher asks him 2 think carefuly as everyone needs something.

Billy replie...s "No I'm sure. When my sister started going out with an indian I remember my dad sayin "Well thats all we f**king need!"See More

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*Read on the wall of a urinal in a public bathroom*

 

Why are you reading up here?

The real joke is in your hand.

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Bit of an old one, just in case you haven't heard it tho

 

 

 

 

A bra and a pair of jumper leads walk into a bar. The barman says "I can't serve you two"

 

"Why not" The two reply

 

The barman says "Cos your off your tits and your about to start something"

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"Now pay attention, 007; this looks like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it."

 

 

 

 

 

I was in prison a while back - I walked in and one of my two cell mates said:

"What are you in for?"

I replied, "Judging by the size of you chaps, I'd say an arse raping."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I put my jeans and jumper into the washing machine last night and turned it on to a coloured wash.

The jeans came out six times too big and the jumper came out with a hood on it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As my son was going out the door he said, "Dad, give me a condom."

I said, "Er.... Aren't you forgetting something?"

He said, "Oh yeah, your balaclava."

"Good lad."

 

 

 

 

 

 

1. There's more than one way to skin a cat.

2. A cat has nine lives.

During an experiment to find out if number 1 is true, I proved that number 2 is false.

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"You can tell a lot about a person by their car."

For example: if it's in a ditch, it's a woman.

 

 

 

I came home from work early one night to find my wife and my best mate, sweaty and breathless in the living room. I said, "What's going on?"

My wife said, "Erm... We've been playing on the Wii Fit." She winked at my mate and said, "Dave did VERY well."

As I walked out of the room, I heard them giggling and calling me a "*richard cranium*", but I had the last laugh. I checked the next day, and none of his scores had even registered!

 

 

 

 

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer; "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six!"

A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy six cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

 

 

 

For f**k's sake, what a mess to sort out. I can't believe I've mixed their Valentine's Day cards up.

The girlfriend now thinks I love her and the wife thinks I want to f**k her.

 

 

 

My daughter said, "Dad, I think our house is haunted by a poltergeist!"

I said, "Don't be so ridiculous. There's no such thing as ghosts."

She said, "My knickers keep disappearing. I found three pairs in your room."

I said, "Yeah... Poltergeist... You're probably right."

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I got home from the pub last night and my wife said, "I can't believe how intoxicated you are."

Denying it I said, "I'm not drunk."

She said, "Yes you are."

I said, "No I'm f**king not."

She said, "Can you tell the time?"

I walked up to the clock and said, "I'm not f**king drunk."

 

 

 

 

 

 

Subway is similar to prostitution. You pay other people to do your wife's job.

 

 

 

 

 

A new drug has been developed for lesbians with depression.

It's called Trycoxagain

 

 

 

 

Sometimes, my secretary reminds me of my wife.

I was unbuttoning her shirt the other day during our lunch break when she said, "Remember, you have a wife."

 

 

 

 

I was in a nightclub queue when two blokes in front of me started arguing.

One guy pushed the other and said, "Four, nine."

The other man pushed him back and said, "Sixteen, twenty-five."

A bouncer reached for his walkie-talkie and said, "I need some help at the door. We've got a couple of men squaring up."

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Last night, I punched my wife right in the mouth as I was angry at my sub-standard cold dinner.

On reflection, I may have over-reacted.

We were in a restaurant at the time.

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My last girlfriend was a screamer.

Well, she wasn't really my girlfriend...

Maybe that's why she was screaming.

 

 

My ex-wife could manipulate the muscles of her fanny so that it felt as though you were getting a blow job.

Which is why I divorced her because, when she manipulated the muscles of her mouth, she sounded like a *milkshake*

 

 

My missus caught me wanking.

She said, "If I'd known you were desperate, I would have given you sex."

I said, "If I was desperate, I would have asked."

 

 

 

 

 

My mother said to me earlier, "Oh, there's nothing more embarrassing than having guests round with an untidy house."

She's obviously never had an erection at a funeral.

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Why did the muslim cross the road?

 

I thought to myself as my foot hit the accelerator.

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What's the difference between calories and fat?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You've never woken up with half a calorie.

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I swear to god! The next paraplegic to bump into me in a wheelchair, I'll break both your f**king le...

...Oh, never mind.

 

 

 

 

Whilst I was driving my girlfriend started giving me a blowjob.

I thought I would give her a quick lick as well but ended up crashing.

The police have charged me with doing 69 in a 30 zone.

 

 

 

 

 

I named my penis "The Truth" because bitches can't handle it.

 

 

 

 

 

My wife reckons you can tell how good a film is by how many tissues you get through when watching it.

Funnily enough, i have a similar ranking system

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This pregnant girl I know has made a separate facebook account just for her unborn child.

 

It's beginning to annoy me so much that I've decided to set up an account as a coat hanger, add the unborn child and poke them.

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A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"

 

His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

 

The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

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A husband and wife were trying to set up a new password to their computer.

The husband put 'MYPENIS' " and the wife fell on the ground laughing cause on screen was "Error. Not long enough."

 

 

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Whats the difference between iron man and iron woman?

 

iron man is a Superhero , iron woman is a simple instruction

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I swear to god! The next paraplegic to bump into me in a wheelchair, I'll break both your f**king le...

...Oh, never mind.

 

 

This pregnant girl I know has made a separate facebook account just for her unborn child.

 

It's beginning to annoy me so much that I've decided to set up an account as a coat hanger, add the unborn child and poke them.

 

 

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

We need some sort of kudo's system in the jokes section. You'd get maximum cred!!

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When Julia and Kevin were in elections, they decided to go to the outback towns to try and generate votes

 

So they got dressed up and decided to take a blue healer with them, and they went to the local pub

 

One man walks in and lifts up the dogs tail, has a look and then walks out.

 

This happens a few times and then Julia turns around and asks the bartender why everyone was lifting up the dogs tail and having a look?

 

the bartender replied: Someone said there was a dog in the bar with two assholes.

 

 

HAHAAHH

 

My misses grandfather told me this lol

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A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"

 

His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

 

The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

 

 

 

Why do women wear white wedding dresses ?

 

 

To match the kitchen appliances

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How do you know Windows was created by dumb Yanks?

 

You have to press Start when you want to finish.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I vowed to my wife that I would never hit her again, that I would find a job and raise my kids properly.

 

The tears streamed down her face, this moment of joy would stick in my mind forever.

 

The moment when I said "April fools!" and dropped that gullible bitch to the ground.

 

Gets her every year!

 

 

 

 

 

I sell balloons for $1 each or if you want them blown up it's $1.50.

I've adjusted the price to cover inflation.

 

 

 

 

 

A male fly notices a very attractive female fly lounging on a pile of cowshit.

He swoops down and says, ' Excuse me but is this stool taken? '

 

 

 

 

Optimist drowns in half-full bath tub..

Pessimist drowns in half-empty bath tub

 

 

 

 

 

What's funnier than a female comedian?

Everything.

 

 

 

A blonde, brunette and a red head are all out and end up stealing a car, the police get wind of this and chase them down, the 3 girls then see a farm and try to hide from the police, the red head hides in a bag, the policeman sees the bag kicks it and the red head girl shouts "woof woof" so the police go off assuming it was a dog, the brunette hides in a bag to the police kick the bag and the brunette shouts "meow meow", thinking its a cat the police walk off, they come to the blonde who is hiding in the bag, they kick the bag and the blonde shouts "potatoes"

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My wife just came in & said to me 'I'm so busy I dont know if I'm coming or going!'

I said to her 'judging by the look on your face you're going - cos when you're cumming you look like a f**kin down syndrome kid trying to whistle!!!

 

I found my dyslexic mate covering his dick with boot polish in the early hours of Sunday morning, I said 'you idiot you were supposed to turn your clock back!'

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My black mate said he raped a girl as punishment for saying the 'N' word.

 

No.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Complete History Of Philosophy:

"Why?"

 

"Because."

 

 

 

 

 

Japan warned of second earthquake.

 

And there was me thinking all the jokes about that had been exhausted.

 

Oh well, here comes the second wave...

 

 

 

 

 

My wife just said, "It's your turn next, what do you want for Father's Day?"

 

"A blowjob" I replied.

 

"Ha-ha, but what do you want from your daughter?"

 

I am sick to death of repeating myself to that woman.

 

 

 

 

Putting a pin through all of my best friends condoms seemed like a good idea at the time.

 

Backfired though when I found out my wife is pregnant.

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