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Quick / Short joke thread

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i'll start


Why did the emo kid cross the road?

To get to the suicide


How many emos does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they'd rather sit in the dark and cry about it


How many emos does it take to paint a wall?

Depends how hard you throw them


How do get an emo out of a tree?

Cut the rope


How many emo kids does it take to change a light bulb?

2, one to change it and a second to write a poem about how much they miss the old one


How many emos does it take to build a bridge?

None, crying little faggots can't get over anything


What's better than 50 emo kids nailed to 1 tree?

1 emo kid nailed to 50 trees


What do you call a bus filled with emo's crashing and killing all of them?

A waste, planes hold more people.


3 emos are sitting around talking about how emo they are.

the first one says "i'm so emo, Maybeline want me to model their next eyeliner"

the second says "i'm so emo that kleenex give me free boxes of tissues as a thanks for keeping them afloat"

the third fell over from a loss of blood and said "i'm so emo i cut myself because i'm more emo than you"


post up jokes of any kind

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Blonde Paint Job


A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.


"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."


A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."


Yo Mamma Jokes


Yo mamma's so fat, when she went to the beach, the whales sang "We are family!"


Yo mamma's so fat, she rents shade!


Yo mamma's so fat, her favourite dress is a tent!

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What's the difference between the Beaconsfield mine manager & a priest?


One get's his miners stuck in a shaft, the other gets his shaft stuck in a minor

Edited by A31Cefiro

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Why did Michael jackson go to Beaconsfield....


He heard there were 2 trapped minors

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So I walk up to this prostitute right and I say, "how much?"


She says "for $500 i'll do whatever you want"


I say "bitch, paint my house"

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Why is Santa such a happy man?



Cos he knows where all the bad girls live!













Why does santa have such a big sack?




Because he only cums onces a year!












So a camera man, sound tech guy and a producer find a dusty lamp........ They dust it off and what do u know, out pops a genie... genie is sooo relieved to be out of the lamp that he grants them all one wish. The camera man goes first. He wishes to be on a desserted island with 10 virgins, endless case of beer and 10 million dollars.... *PFFFFT* The Camera man disappears.... The sound techy says to the genie.... know what .... ill have what he is having..... *PFFFFT* Off goes the Techy....... Genie turns to the producer, and asks what he would like.... Producer says... well what i'd like is for the camera guy and the techy back... so we can finish fiming....

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A seal walks into a bar.... Bartender ask what he will have.... Seal says "Anything but a Canadian Club"

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Federal Court Ruling from the Melbourne Age , Australia (AP) -

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.


The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.


The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.


After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.


After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Queensland state of origin team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

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well revive it then!


Dear Santa,


You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends and my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity. What balls you have leaving me a ****ing yoyo, a lame whistle and a pair of ugly socks. What the **** were you thinking, you fat prick, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole ****ing year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn't ****ed me enough, you gave that little quiff across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house. Don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimny next year. I'll **** you up. I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the ****ing North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that ****ing bike. **** YOU SANTA. Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT COCKSUCKER.





Little Johnny




What's black and crispy and sits at the top of the stairs?


Stephen Hawking in a housefire.




There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.


Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. One night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a vibrator!!


She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looked her straight in the eyes and said calmly: "I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids.



Upon entering the confessional, a young women spilled the beans, admitting: "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me -- seven times."


The priest thought long and hard, then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass, then drink it."


The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"


The priest said, "No, but it will wipe the smile off your face."




an old lady answers a knock on the door to be confronted by a man carrying a vacum cleaner,he said can i have a minute of you time? f*ck off she said.next thing the man empties a bucket of horseshit on the carpet and says if this cleaner does'nt remove all traces of the horseshit,madam i'll eat the remainder.well she says i hope you have a good f*cking appetite,because the electric was cut off this morning.

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What's a wife?


It's an attatchment you screw on the end of your bed to wash the dishes...





What does wife stand for?


Washing, Ironing, F**king and Entertainment





Never trust anything that bleeds for more than 3 days and doesn't die

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Thank u Bluey... u floated my boat :D


Q. Did you hear about the new blonde paint?

A. It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.




Q. What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg?

A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.




Q. Why don't blondes use vibrators?

A. They chip their teeth





Q. What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common?

A. They both swallowed a lot of semen.





Q. What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?





Q. Why do blondes always drink with straws?

A. Practice.



Edit: BTW... all of these were shamelessly stolen :D



Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?

A. The blonde has the higher sperm count.



Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?

A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.




Q. What's the difference between love and herpes?

A. Love doesn't last forever.




Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?

A. Call her and tell her.




Q. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?

A. It doesn't need cleaning.




Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?

A. Women don't get blow jobs while they're driving


Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra?

A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.




Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?

A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.




Q. How do you get a nun pregnant?

A. Dress her up as an alter boy




Q. What is the first sign of AIDS?

A. A pounding sensation in the ass.




Q. What is the Difference Between Pussy and Apple Pie?

A. You can eat your mom's apple pie.




Q. Why do women prefer old gynaecologists?

A. Their shaky hands!




Q. How do you get four old ladies to shout "f**k"?

A. Get a fifth old lady to shout "Bingo!"




Ok well thats my contribution.........



What the hell some more...


Q. What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?

A. They can both smell it, but can't eat it.




Q. How do you know when a Barbie has her period?

A. All your tic tacks are gone.

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Q. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?

A. It doesn't need cleaning.




now that floated MY boat :P

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Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course

when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and

the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course,

one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful

Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look?

I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked

through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right.

This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the

bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my

neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man,

"How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.

Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient,"

said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."




The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.


Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."


“And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.


"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"


"Very good," said the teacher.


Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too.

But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one

time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens before they're hatched."


"That was a fine story Sarah."


"Michael, do you have a story to share?"


"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the

whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."


"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"


"Stay the f*** away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

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Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.


The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.


No one speaks.


The old Greek lady thinks: The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped his cheek.


The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.


The Kiwi thinks: The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.


The Australian thinks: I can’t wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again

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"My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7." - Tim Cahill


"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league." - Mark Viduka.


"Guus Hiddink is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had." - Lucas Neill.


"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day." - John Aloisi.


I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable." - Ned Zelic.


"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well." - Mark Schwarzer.


"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona." - Vince Grella.


"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out." - Harry  Kewell.


"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier." - Mile Sterjovski.


"Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough." - Mark Viduka.


"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel." - Craig Moore.


"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right." - Harry Kewell.


"I couldn't settle in Italy- it was like living in a foreign country." - Vince Grella.


"Germany is a very difficult team to play . . . they have 11 internationals out there." - Zeljko Kalac.


"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock." - Jason Culina.


"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European." - Scott Chipperfield.


"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed." - Marco Bresciano.


"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best." - Craig Moore.


"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd." - Mark Viduka.


"Sometimes in football you have to score goals." - Harry Kewell.

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On the topic of soccer.........


An Australian man has been arrested in Italy for an assault on a local man after the World Cup soccer match between Australia and Italy.

Witnesses say the Australian was 20 metres away when the incident happened.


The victim suffered a fractured skull, a cardiac arrest and has developed diabetes as a result of the incident.


He is expected to recover in a few minutes.




Little Johnny is sitting in biology class, when his teacher states the fact that only humans stutter, and no other animal in the world does.

Johnny raises his hand and says. "You're wrong, Miss Finch!"


"Really, would you mind telling us why that is Johnny?" replies the teacher .


"Well, Miss Finch, the other day I was playing with my cat on the porch.


The neighbour's Rottweiler came around the corner, and my cat went 'fffff! fffff! fffff!', and before he could say 'F___k!', the dog ate him!"

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A few stories about Collingwood girls!!!




A Collingwood girl walks into the local dry cleaners.


She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.


"Come again?" says the worker, cupping his ear.


"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."




Another Collingwood girl was involved in a serious crash, there's blood everywhere.


The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the road.


Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."


Sarah: "Ok."


Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"


Sarah: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"




A Collingwood girl goes to Centrelink to register for child benefit.


"How many children?" asks the assessor.


"Ten" replies the Collingwood girl,


"Ten?” says the Centrelink worker.


"What are their names?"


"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan"


"Doesn't that get confusing?"


"Naah..." says the Collingwood girl.


"Its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout NATHAN, YER DINNER'S READY or NATHAN GO TO BED

NOW and they all do it..."


"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed Centrelink worker.


"That's easy," says the Collingwood girl... "I just use their surnames"




A Collingwood Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.


The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says "I'll take the red one."


The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."

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One for Sol





>You are driving in a car at a constant speed.



>On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine

>travelling at the same speed as you.


>In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and

>you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.


>Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.


>What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?








>Get off the Merry Go Round, you're pissed.

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dude gets on an airplane for a short trip and is stoked to find he's sitting next to a gorgeous woman, very sexy.. halfway through the trip they get chatting and he asks her what she does.. she replies she's a sex researcher (of course she is) so he asks her what exactly she's studying. She tells him that shes debunking some of the myths about sex, like that negroes have the biggest penis's.. dude is intrigued so he asks who does have the biggest penis size.. she replies "well, might be surprised to find out that it's the American Indians who have the longest penis's","and you might be more surprised to learn that length is only half the issue when satisfying a women, really it's width and the scottish have the widest penis's".. after a minute she turns to the guy and asks him what his name is.. after a few seconds, he turns to her with a smile and says "Hi! Tonto McTavish...."



yeah, alright.. i can hear the groans from here :(


what do you call an african-american who flies a plane? a PILOT YOU F*****G RASCIST

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why did all the poofs survive hurricane katrina?


they were the first to evacuate the area because they had their shit packed the night before

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Why should croc hunters wear sunblock?


It keeps out the harmful rays...



(The guy was a legend, RIP Irwin)

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What was the first thing Peter Brock heard when he got to heaven?








Whats better than winning three gold at the paralympics?




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How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?


...Take your foot off his head.




Whats the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?


...A hooker will stop screwing ya once your dead.




What's the most dangerous part of a car?


...The nut behind the wheel.

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Jokes thread...oh goodie. Here's my first one...

Three little ducks go into a bar..............................


"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.


"Huey," was the reply.


"How's your day been, Huey?"


"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.


"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"


"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.


"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.


"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"


The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.


"My name is Puddles."


Hope this one is up to standards :P

I have more where that came from.

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Did you hear about Michael Jackson's new book?


It's called The in's and out's of child rearing

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What did the girl with no arms and no legs get for christmas?




...it's so bad! Some will laugh and some will throw sticks at me...

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A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.


One morning, the husband returns after several hours of fishing, and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says,"Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, thinking, isn't that obvious?

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, Officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"You do that and I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day, Ma'am," he said and left.


MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.



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